Antipsychotics

One day when the psychiatrist left the room briefly I saw on his computer some key keywords that he had typed up. High risk to suicide and self harm. Severe psychomotor retardation. This was before he decided I was psychotic too.

Although I was a informal patient the psychiatrist was reluctant to let me off the premises but eventually agreed to let me visit the local area under the supervision of my husband as long as I promised to come back.

One day on a visit out we were walking in a local town and I saw a baby toy on the pavement that baby boy also had. Thoughts ran through my mind that they, the government, were following me and to let me know that they were, they were putting toys that baby boy had in places I could see.

Psychiatrist was determined I needed to be on antipsychotics. By this point I was so exhausted by the distress and anxiety I just gave in. If my tablets were already contaminated what was the point in refusing another tablet. I had given in to whatever they wanted to do to me.

There was another mum at the unit who had postpartum psychosis and believed the NHS was evil. I thought she was being paranoid. How could I think that given I was paranoid myself? I think I had moments of lucidity but in a way I was also ego centric. Why would they be bothering with her when they are preoccupied with contaminating my medication!

I was put on Aripiprazole initially because I had gestational diabetes so this was the best one to be on. When the psychiatrist changed back to the usual psychiatrist who they were filling in for, she changed it to Olanzapine. This would have be one of the biggest mistakes I would make. I was 52kg when I was admitted. Olanzapine increased my appetite massively and slowed down my metabolism. A CMHT psychologist would later deny Olanzapine does this despite the fact it’s well documented that it does. My faith in psychiatry was minimal. In the course of 2 years I gained 2 stone. I never felt full up. It was depressing.