Denial

I always maintained and still do to a certain extent feel I would be ok without the medication. I reasoned with my husband it’s only fair to give me a chance to be off medication and learn to cope in other ways. He gave me the benefit of the doubt and against psychiatrist advice I stopped my medication. In truth I should have had a plan of alternative methods for coping and staying well in place but I didn’t.

I wouldn’t advise this to anyone. I was being foolish and risky to suddenly go cold turkey with no phased medication reduction over a period of time, but I was also going against medical advice. I was warned my the psychiatrist I had a life long condition that required medication. I could not and would not accept this.

With sudden clarity and lack of sedation I started to feel again and think more coherently. I didn’t realise how numbing and slowing down my being had become on the meds until I was free of them. I had forgotten what being ‘normal med free’ felt.

I seemed to get a new lease of life and was reading again. I read 3 books in a month. I was feeling good and had energy. Some could argue I was high and I certainly felt it but I was definitely not manic.

Everything went well to a certain extent for a 3 months but for most of those 3 months I was also getting constantly physically unwell. On reflection I wonder whether my body was having a withdrawal reaction to a sudden stop in medication.

Although things felt well and I wanted to so believe it to be, bubbling under the surface was paranoia and depression. It was as if I had a lid on a pot of boiling water. On the outside you couldn’t see what was going on inside the pot. It looked fine. Every so often it would overspill as the pressure inside got too much. I would feel down, I would worry about vans following me. I would lift the lid and look in and allow the water to level back down but I’d be scared of what I saw inside- the government conspiracy, fear, panic and depression. I’d quickly replace the lid, the lid of denial. And for 3 months I did this process and what I thought was me being free and well again was me being deluded. I was tirelessly trying to keep the lid on but losing grip of it the more I did it and eventually I got scalded. I couldn’t keep it up anymore. I was hurting myself with my denial.