Hanging

I had come to the conclusion that hanging yourself was the best way to kill your self. All other ways sounded painful and no guarantee of the desired outcome.

It was also the way a patient I had a brief encounter with ended up killing himself when I worked at a CMHT. A death that happened when I was pregnant and blamed myself for. I cannot go into details but I and most likely my psychology team believed I prompted his action to suicide. This was not the conclusion at the inquest but it still didn’t get rid of the guilt I carried around. I was pregnant with my child and a family had just lost theirs.

Whatever the reasons may be I fell quickly into a dark hole of intense sadness and despair. Why couldn’t anyone understand that I was a bad person and that was why I was being watched by the government. Husband and baby boy would be better off without me constantly being a source of stress and burden.

I ordered a rope online from Amazon. I had researched methods of how to tie the rope and what thickness of rope to use. I had thought about where I would do it so that my husband would not be the one to find me. I had planned out the details. I just hadn’t written what I wanted to say to everyone and I had things that needed to be sorted first. I started getting house jobs done which we had neglected, like the bathroom. Before I go I wanted things to be ok. I had previously written down all details of my finances etc for my husband to know in the event of my death.

But deep down I was scared and not fully committed to my plan. I shared my plans with my counsellor which led to my care coordinator getting involved and almost led to another MHA assessment. They had it all lined up for when I visited my psychiatrist for a review.