Sad

Sad isn’t a word that completely describes what a loss can feel like and yet it is often used when death occurs – “how very sad”…. Death is just that….very sad and yet the circumstances to how one dies gives a deeper level to that word. One of those circumstances is whether that person dies by their own hands.

What if that person decides that the help they need to rectify their distress is through suicide. To opt out of life. Morally, religiously, socially, suicide is generally not seen as acceptable and when someone has chosen that path it is felt that a life has been wasted. My friend chose to kill themselves this summer. Someone who touched and helped many in their life. Someone that most people were shocked by the fact it was suicide.

I have mixed feelings- given what I have written in previous posts. Seeing the affect of my friend’s loss on others…. a sense of guilt that if I had committed suicide the affect it would have had on my husband and son. I am slightly ashamed to admit this but there is a sense of jealousy she managed to do it and I didn’t. Either way her death has knocked me.

I think that somewhere on the spectrum there are those who have a higher sensitivity to emotions and distress and although it perhaps makes us more empathic, the problem is that being this attuned makes us more open to the emotional pain.

Reflecting on her suicide has made me start to cherish what there is in life and all the things she is missing out on because she is not here anymore. I will probably not find out what led her to kill herself but her death feels sadder because it was at her own hands. Life became unbearable for her and in death she hopefully has found her peace.