At the beginning I found my health visitor to be very supportive. Probably unusually she visited me weekly for the initial months as she saw me struggle with my mood. She even contacted my GP on a couple of occasions and warned them that I may not attend the postpartum medical review appointment.
I did attend and broke down in tears but I remained resolute that I would not take medication. I was determined to be in control of how dealt with the depression. I was a psychologist after all. I knew the theory and the techniques/strategies but the thing is, it’s difficult to apply these when you’re in the deep waters trying to make sense of what’s going on. I was also breastfeeding and didn’t want medication. The GP then said the following words which would in turn become a prophecy- some ladies become so depressed they end up in hospital. I scoffed internally. No way was that going to happen to me. I wasn’t anywhere near there. Little did I know that the prophecy would be fulfilled.
I was struggling with sleep deprivation. One night when baby boy woke I thought I could not do this anymore. I gave my husband baby boy and I left the house in the middle of night. I did not go far before I thought about baby boy getting hungry. Mother instinct kicked in. I returned home and fed baby.
Then one night I had an unusual experience. Baby boy woke for a feed and as I looked at him I feared he looked possessed. His eyes scared me and so I closed my eyes as I breastfed him and placed him back in his cot. Exhausted but unsettled I went back to sleep. The next morning his bodysuit scared me. It felt evil and I felt uneasy inside. I didn’t feel right…
I told my health visitor the next time I saw her of this experience and this set off a chain of events that would turn me into a mental health patient in a system I worked in. I was losing grip on my life and reality…
Psychologist and Patient 