State of confusion

I was home one night after being discharged from hospital. In the morning I woke up but didn’t….I was not fully conscious and I was in a state of confusion. All I can recall is saying random words like spaghetti and mummy. Something was wrong and we were scared. My husband was concerned and called the hospital. We went in later that day and they ran all sort of tests on me as they queried an infection. It was all clear but they prescribed antibiotics as a precautionary measure. Husband took the prescription slip and headed for the hospital pharmacy as I waited somewhere along a hospital corridor Right on cue baby boy decides he’s hungry. Problem is I can’t breastfeed him where I am. He starts to scream and scream. I start to panic and sweat. What do I do? People are looking at me thinking I’m a horrible mother not comforting my baby.

Thankfully for what seems like ages a lady comes along and asks if I need any help. She kindly takes me to a room to breastfeed but then I realise I don’t know where I am and nor does my husband. I start to panic as I finish off feeding baby boy and start roaming the corridors trying to give my husband over the phone descriptions of the corridor I’m in. I burst into tears and eventually meet my husband outside the hospital. Never leave me again I say.

Back at home, I’m in the toilet feeling at loss….I’m sleep deprived. What have I done having a baby? Can I put it up for adoption?

Later when family are over sitting in the garden, I am indoors on a the verge of a panic attack. This world isn’t real. I’m dreaming this.

Weeks later I sit with my mother in a park with baby boy asleep in his pram. At that moment I want to crawl into a corner and uncontrollably cry. I couldn’t do this anymore….